Note: I am eternally grateful for my team and the runners alongside me this season. I love every one of them and I am so thankful for my coach as well.
This is a memoir and a reflection. I wrote this because I understand that many people can relate to the negative effects of imposter syndrome and fixed mindsets in academics, sports, etc. I am sharing my firsthand experiences with it since this was the first time I had felt it recently. I’m also sharing how I have chosen to overcome these psychological experiences.
On October 25, 2024, the Ottawa Hills girls secured their spot in the state finals. It was a thrilling moment for the team.
And on that very morning, I’d been trying to distract myself from that afternoon, yet it lingered in my mind all week.
I left the 5th hour, got on the bus, and waited an hour before arriving at Portage Middle School. We were about to compete in the Cross Country Regionals. Even though I entertained my friends and kept a sideways smile on my face the whole time before this race, I was scared. Scared and also I had feelings that I couldn’t quite place. Eventually, the team approached the start line and got ready. We prepped for the buzzer, and when it went off, I fumbled to start my watch as I sprinted forward.
The race was simply grueling. When I saw the finish line, I was so relieved that I accelerated forward. I saw a very fast time on the clock, and my delusions took over when I crossed, elated. I congratulated a girl who had kicked faster than me at the last stretch, and she asked if I knew the time. She said her watch recorded about 22 minutes.
The clock wasn’t showing our times.
I saw my coach as I kept walking forward and he gave me my first-ever hug from him, telling me that the girls had made it to state. I was excited, but still concerned for my time so I asked, blinded by worrying about my ability. My teammate approached us and showed me the times; I got 22:29. Even though technically the time wasn’t too bad for my ability, I couldn’t help but feel this immense disappointment. This disappointment was unlike any I’ve experienced during this season, and it hurt. My teammates did phenomenally and I was happy. It was a sensational day for the Ottawa XC girl’s team and a highlight in my coach’s career. Yet I still let negative thoughts eat my mind that day, and failed in terms of my mindset.
What had happened?
The key difference between the success of my fellow teammates and mine all lay in the determination, confidence, and commitment they had to this race. We were all varsity runners. We had all made it to the top 7, competing for a spot in the state finals. We were projected to get 2nd, and we got 2nd because the girls knew what times and what strategies they had to accomplish in the regionals. When the buzzer went off, they started the race and set out to do what they had to do.
Scoring for states relied on the top 5 out of the 7 runners on our team, and I was 7. All the varsity girls were much faster than me. There, the imposter syndrome began to form.
My Experience with Imposter Syndrome
Imposter syndrome is a psychological phenomenon where one does not feel competent enough for a certain task. Usually, it occurs when a person of high competency in a certain area feels that they don’t deserve to be there, or they feel like a fraud or could be “found out” for showing weakness. The root cause of this phenomenon is the belief that “I’m not good enough.” The detrimental effects of imposter syndrome can lead one to perform poorly because of this negative mindset. It can cause unnecessary stress and can force one to set low expectations of themselves. It can force somebody to stop growing. They might give up because they feel they don’t deserve what they have achieved. It can even tell somebody that their imposter syndrome is fake and just an excuse they’re giving themselves, which is paradoxical but can occur. That is what I felt during the regional race.
The spot for 7th this season had been somewhat of a gamble. There were a few gifted kids on the team who could have easily outrun me if they hadn’t gotten injured or had other extenuating circumstances. Last year just starting cross country for the first time, I was one of the slower kids on the team. Because I had not gotten injured this year and was able to train consistently, I managed to secure the 7th fastest time this season before regionals. Despite this, I felt a dissonance from the rest of the team. I hadn’t felt this before though, as I realized I’ve been seeing myself as a JV kid even though I had my eyes on varsity since the start of summer training. The races before this were run with all the girls, both JV and varsity.
So when I secured my spot in the varsity race, I began to feel alienated. I knew I was not fast compared to these girls. I let that discourage me. I told myself that other girls who got injured during the season but were much more gifted than me should have been in my spot. I told myself that I wasn’t a real varsity kid. These were all lies that I conjured because of fear. Fear that people would find out that I’m not good enough and I don’t belong on varsity. These held me back from what I could do. So when the buzzer went off and I fumbled to start my watch, I didn’t run what I could have. My mind was chaining my body, telling myself that this pain was enough and I shouldn’t try harder and push myself, because what was the point?
It upsets me that I thought this way.
My fixed mindset during regionals
A growth mindset is what transferred me to City High. A growth mindset was the reason I joined cross country in my sophomore year and the reason that I made it to varsity this year. A growth mindset is such a powerful asset that defines a leader and a winner versus the ordinary. When I let the negative thoughts of ‘fraud’ and the prospect of not being good enough seep in before regionals, I created a fixed mindset.
A growth mindset is the belief that abilities can be improved through effort and practice. A fixed mindset is the belief that abilities are inherited and stable, and are unchangeable over time. While genes can play a role in our abilities, most skills can be improved with practice. Running is a great example of this. I was not fast last year but still improved tremendously.
A fixed mindset will not get someone to their limit or their best capabilities because that person will believe that they cannot do it. With this mindset, they limit what can be achieved. While the growth mindset is surely daunting and it is natural for humans to doubt themselves, it is this mindset that allows us to succeed. Every single person who has achieved spectacular things has a growth mindset.
I made the connection that the imposter syndrome I experienced led me to convince myself that I would not be able to run fast. This limited me significantly during the race. Physically, the race did hurt. The challenging inclines at Portage are physically demanding. However, it could have hurt more. If I had believed that I was not constrained to a certain time, a certain placement, or if I had believed that I was capable of anything I put my mind to, then I could have pushed myself harder this race. I would have not felt as disappointed. But because I believed that I couldn’t run faster than my PR I couldn’t do good at Portage and I was meant to be in the bottom 50 this race, I let it happen.
I let what I predicted to happen, even though I had the power to change that.
Changing mindsets and coming back up
Fast-forward to October 28, I learned I will be an alternate in the upcoming state meet. I am incredibly proud of my team for securing our spot in the state finals on November 2nd. However, I decided I would take my second chance in a post-season race at Shephard High School.
When we have a bad day, we reflect. We reflect and then come up with a plan of action. Last time, I let imposter syndrome win and I let my doubts win. My fixed mindset made me so disappointed at the end of my race. I left with so many conflicting feelings, questioning my capabilities and confused about why I felt so defeated. I’ve come to learn that undermining my abilities, and giving in to excuses and self-doubt is detrimental to me. Next time at Shephard, I will not let these doubts win. I’ve already set a time goal and created a strategy, and I will give it my all.
Imposter syndrome is so common among high-achieving individuals. I know so many capable people in my life, and I want them all to know that they deserve what they have achieved. Failure will not ruin us. In fact, my failure in my mentality has made me a better person. It has allowed me to write and reflect on myself and show others how to improve.
We deserve what we have achieved, and there is always more to achieve. We are never constrained to a certain competency because there is always room for achievement. We deserve to be proud of ourselves.
And when the gun goes off at Shephard, I will go, go, and go.
The Ottawa Hills Girls Team will be racing the D1 State Finals at the Michigan International Speedway in Brooklyn, MI, on November 2nd.
Congratulations to all athletes, all students, all employees, and all people, you deserve what you
have achieved.
Works Cited
Cote, Catherine. “Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset: What’s the Difference?” Harvard Business School Online, President & Fellows of Harvard College, 2022, online.hbs.edu/blog/post/growth-mindset-vs-fixed-mindset. Accessed 26 Oct. 2024.
“Understanding and Overcoming Impostor Syndrome | McLean Hospital.” Www.mcleanhospital.org, McLean Hospital, 2 June 2023, http://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/impostor-syndrome. Accessed 26 Oct. 2024.
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